Two days ago, I celebrated my 40th birthday. As someone who believes in personal reflection, I thought it necessary to stop and consider the lessons I have learned in the 40 years of being on this beautifully created planet, and also consider what my next 40 years need to look like.
As a child, I grew up in a loving home with parents who worked hard to provide me and my sister with a good life. I had the dream childhood of growing up on acreage that was surrounded by trees and woods with no one around. The neighbors’ houses couldn’t even be seen. I spent most of my days outside running, digging, riding my bike, climbing trees, and just being a kid. It was amazing. All that changed when I was 13 years old. My parents filed for bankruptcy, and we had to sell our property. Life quickly changed.
From the time I was 13 till about the age of 23, I was careless, thoughtless, and mindless when it came to anyone or anything else. If there was a deeper, more harsh word for selfish, I would put it here. I said and did so many stupid things that it is a wonder that I am still alive or not in jail. My teens and early twenties lacked discipline, focus, and most of all, compassion. This decade of my life created habits that were destructive and near impossible to break. It was during this time of my life that I lost one of the most important relationships to me – the relationship between me and my sister. By God’s grace, I was able to regain the relationship I had lost.
At the age of 23, I was given an ultimatum by my parents – go to college or move out. I chose college because I loved the free rent. Again, at this time of life, I was selfish and self-centered. I chose to go to Multnomah University in Portland, Oregon. This is a Christian University with a focus on Bible and Theology. I know, you’re probably thinking what I am thinking now, “Why would a kid who is selfish and self-centered choose a Bible college?” Honestly, I don’t know myself, except it was a place that might provide me with some structure.
I didn’t go to college to learn or get better. I was loving my life. I had more money than I knew what to do with, I didn’t have to answer to anybody, and all I cared about was finding the next feel-good drag. Life was sweet but very empty. That is until she walked into class. Her name was Summer Hutchison. She had the most beautiful, long brown curly hair, the most amazing brown eyes, and a smile that would make any rainstorm turn to the most beautiful sunny days. She walked with a bounce in her step, and she could command a room just by being in it. My life changed the day she walked into it.
Between the ages of 23 and 25, I was becoming a new man. I was learning what selflessness, compassion, and real love looked like. This amazing woman walked into my life, and I knew that she was my soul mate. However, I also knew what kind of person I was and that I was nowhere worthy of even thinking I could be in a relationship with her. In the beginning phases of being twitterpated, I would act a fool trying to get her attention. I was loud and obnoxious, and all I wanted to do was make her laugh. For the first three months of getting to know her, I was still living like a fool doing everything I shouldn’t be doing.
During our first semester together, she made it clear that she was not there to date and that she was focused on her academics and studies. This didn’t stop me from trying, however. At the end of our first semester together, we finally got to go on a date. I told her that I thought she was pretty amazing, and that I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. She acquiesced to my request and said she would be looking forward to talking more over the summer – she was going back home to California for the summer. I told her I would call her.
A month into summer and I still hadn’t called her. I realized that I needed to do some growing up and make some drastic personal changes to my life before I was ever going to have a real chance with this woman. So I started cleaning up my act and getting rid of the people in my life who were not of good influence. Finally, after a month and a half of not calling, I was sitting in the parking lot of a Wendy’s at around 9 p.m. with my phone in my hand. I dialed her up and waited with absolute angst for her to answer. Her voice came over the phone, and I spilled my guts out to her. I told her, “I’m sorry I haven’t called you, I have been cleaning up my life. I need to tell you about me, who I am, and what I’ve been doing, and if at the end of everything I have to say you want to hang up and never talk again, I understand.” So I did. I shared it all. I shared all the dumb things that I was doing, all the stupid choices I had been making, and the life I was living. After I was done, I waited for her response. She said, “Thanks for telling me. And no, I don’t want to hang up.”
The next four years were a whirlwind. We started officially dating, we got engaged, graduated college together, and a few months later, at the age of 25, we got married. It was incredible. I knew that I had married the perfect woman for me and that we were going to be together forever – and then the honeymoon phase wore off. You see, she was a respectable woman who didn’t live the life I lived. She may have flirted with emotions and feelings, but she never let them overtake her. Me on the other hand, I went with everything and did it all. Now here I was, married to one woman, forsaking all others, and having a hard time coping with it all. I treated my new wife poorly because I was resentful of her. She was a young woman who had new and exciting emotions and feelings that she wanted to explore, and here I was rejecting her and denying her the ability to express and explore those feelings. (Side note, I wasn’t aware of this until years later).
As time went on, we slowly started learning how to live with each other. Let’s be honest, sharing a life is not easy, and I, being someone who knew nothing but selfishness, made sharing a life with someone very difficult. All I knew was that I loved this woman and couldn’t imagine living life without her. I had to do a lot of introspection and learning, and I needed to start making changes in who I was. It also didn’t help that our plan for a career after we were married was also taken away from us, and we didn’t know what to do. You know, now that I am thinking about all of this again, maybe that happened for a reason – without our plans being disrupted, we wouldn’t have had to come together and learn to rely on each other for the next steps in our journey together. (Thank you, Jesus!)
At the age of 28, I went back to school to get my Masters in Education. For the first semester of school, I was on academic probation. Meaning, that if I didn’t hold a 3.5 or higher, I would be kicked out of the program for a year before I was allowed back in. I finished my bachelor’s degree with a 2.2 GPA. Let’s just say, I didn’t care about my academics and studies then. However, here I was now wanting to get my Master’s degree and because of my poor choices, I nearly missed my opportunity. I made it through my Masters with a 3.8 GPA – Statistics sucked!
At the age of 29, I was filling out applications to schools all over the United States. Only one school called me back; the New Meadows School District. My wife and I left Portland, Oregon in August of 2011 to move to a little city with a population of 500 people to take a 4th/5th grade teaching position. Talk about a year of strife, struggle, and anxiety. I was considered the outsider, and in a small, rural Idaho town, outsiders are rarely if ever welcomed with open arms.
By the time the first semester ended, I was already looking for another job. Yeah, that’s how awesome it was going. I was going in before the sun was up and didn’t get home until well after the sun went down. My wife and I rarely saw each other, as she was working in the town just east of us as a barista and social worker. However, we must have seen each other enough, since in March of 2012, my wife told me that we were pregnant with our first child.
2012 was a year of living by faith. My wife and I had a theme song for that year – Chris Tomlin’s I Will Follow. The school I was teaching in was toxic and wasn’t doing anything good for me or my wife and I’s relationship. I told the principal of the school that I was not coming back even if he would ask me to stay. That year, my wife and I became homeless, and jobless, all while she was pregnant. It was another year that brought us even closer together. By the end of the summer, the Lord provided us with a job in the district that I currently work in – Mountain Home, Idaho.
Since our move to Mountain Home in 2012, we have added four amazing children to our family, moved three different times, and have gained some amazing relationships with people in our community. I have also tried my hand at politics and ran for City Council, I worked as a firefighter for the city for 8 years, I have worked in other emergency services for Elmore County, I have served on numerous education and political boards, and I have earned a Doctorate degree. All in all, it has been a decade of trial and error, positives and negatives, and failures and learning.
The question is, what have I learned through all of this? Firstly, life is an adventure. With that, we get to determine the adventure we want to have. We can sit on the sidelines and never really experience life due to fear, judgment, or condemnation, or we can choose to have the adventure of a lifetime where we can experience many great things. Life is unpredictable, and what we think we know doesn’t even compare to the things we don’t know. Life is about learning, growing, and becoming better. Who I am now is nothing compared to who I was, and honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. However, I wouldn’t trade what I have gone through for anything either. Who I am today is because of what I have gone through both good and bad.
Secondly, having someone to share life with makes all the difference in the world. We were created for community and relationships. However, to have a life partner means that we must no longer put ourselves at the front of the line. To make a relationship work, we must sacrifice ourselves for the betterment of our partner. We must always be willing to reflect, take ownership of our faults and failures, and be willing to work on ourselves to help, support, and add value to our partner. My wife is my best friend. She is the one I am willing to cry in front of, share my darkest secrets with, and be vulnerable with. She has made me a better man because she is an incredible woman. She saved me from a life of selfish degradation. She helped me find value in myself. She made me want to be a better man, and she still does every day.
Thirdly, without Jesus, there is no hope. Through all of the darkness in my life, my faith in Jesus has given me hope when none could be found. Jesus never fails. He is merciful and forgiving. He wants the best for us, but will never push His will on our lives. He gives us the choice between a life of blessings, brought through obedience to Him, or a life of cursings, brought on by our own selfish intentions and choices. He is faithful when we are faithless. He will never leave us or forsake us. He is standing at the door and knocking and will wait as long as it takes for us to open the door for Him. He is the giver of peace, the bringer of hope, and light in the darkness. He loves us no matter what, and he is willing to walk with us through the muck and mire that we get ourselves into. He was, He is, and He always will be.
Fourthly, the decisions we make today have a significant impact on our future, whether we think so or not. In the first year of marriage, I was resentful toward my new wife because of the choices and decisions I had made before I even knew her. My choices affected my relationship with my wife. I have a saying that I teach my students: “You are free to make whatever choice you want in life, but you are never free from the consequences of those choices.” Just because the consequence doesn’t happen right away doesn’t mean it will never happen. Be sure to stop and think about the consequences of the choices you make before you make them. Don’t just assume that becasue you didn’t see or feel any consequrences right away that you won’t have any. My consequences showed up many years after my choices.
Finally, aging is the most incredible experience there is. Looking back at who we were and comparing it to who we are now can be extremely enlightening. I know that I still have a lot of work to do to become better mentally, physically, and spiritually. Aging is a process that allows me the opportunity to try again and again. Every day I am given is an opportunity to be better; to grow and become the man I was called to be. Even though every day gets me closer to finality, I have learned that every day we are given is a gift and should never be determined by what we have done the days before it. We must live one day at a time, and be thankful for the days we are given. Do not take the day for granted. Seize every opportunity, and if you fail at something, reflect, learn, and keep moving forward. Life is meant to be lived, so live it well.
I am excited to have reached this 40-year milestone. I am looking forward to reaching the next milestone – God willing. And if I don’t, I pray that each day I am given will be lived in a way that positively affects those around me. Thank you, Jesus, for these forty years you have given me. I pray I can serve you better in the next 40.
Selfless Leadership Is Purposeful Leadership 