Shut Up and Listen

Being a husband is challenging. Living with another human who thinks, acts, and responds differently than you is difficult. Women are complicated creatures, and nearly every man would agree with that statement. However, no matter how complex they are, we must protect and cherish them at all costs. 

“‭‭Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:25-33)

One of the hardest things for most men to do is shut up and listen. Most men are what I like to call “fixers.” We hear about a problem and want to fix the problem. We want to give solutions so the issue goes away. In my almost 15 years of marriage, I have never found that my wife wants me to fix her problems. She wants me to shut up and listen to her problems without giving suggestions or advice. In other words, she wants me to be the stuffed animal she used to curl up with as a little girl and share everything with. She needs me to listen and validate her and her feelings, whether I agree with them or not, because, let’s remember, I am a man, and how I think and feel is VERY different from how she thinks and feels.

Then there are the times when, as a man, I open my mouth and say something that doesn’t mean much to me, but to my wife may be hurtful or demeaning. This is where I get in trouble the most. I might say something that, to me, is nothing, but to my wife, it is hurtful and demeaning. Even though I didn’t mean for her to feel that way, she still does. It is at this point that I have a choice to make. I can puff out my chest, act like an arrogant fool, and tell her she’s wrong for taking what I said the way she did, or I can shut up and listen when she tries to tell me that what I said hurts her feelings. The latter is not a natural response.

Most men have a hard time listening. The skill of listening can either create a lasting relationship that can stand the test of time, or the lack of such skill can destroy the most beautiful of relationships. Here’s the bottom line, men: we need to learn to shut up and listen, and I’m not talking about listening by nodding your head while you think how ridiculous she’s being. I’m talking about selflessly engaging in what she is saying and seeking to understand and validate her. 

The key to all of this is humility and selflessness. We must remember that our wives do not think like us. They are sensitive and emotional creatures, which are both great things, as most men lack both, and it is our job to honor, cherish, and protect our wives in all things. That means that we need to protect our wives from ourselves as well.

Most real men are aggressive and headstrong. These are all good qualities, but we must learn to curb these natural tendencies in regards to our relationship with our wives. We must learn to be gentle and understanding. As the Apostle Peter wrote, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). We must live with our wives in an understanding way.  

To understand someone, we must first listen to them. This involves listening without preconceived ideas or intentions. It means we must remove our pride and arrogance and engage in the conversation with an open mind and heart. This is not natural for anyone. This takes a conscious effort when having a conversation. We are bent to try and justify our way of thinking or our opinion. In reality, our opinion doesn’t matter when our wife tells us how she feels or how what we say makes her feel a certain way. It is our job as men to understand our wives.

If you are like me, you know what you should do, but when it comes time to do it, you fail miserably. This is called being human. I believe this is why Paul writes, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but I do what I hate” (Romans 7:15). Paul goes on to say, “Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it” (Romans 7:20). The beauty of being human is that we are given a choice. We can choose to allow sin to reign over us, or we can choose to stop giving sin a foothold in our lives. Many of us have allowed sin to infiltrate our heart and mind so profoundly that we justify our actions and words with, “This is just who I am.” In reality, we are better than what we claim to be. 

I say all of that to say this. When we fail at being a husband who should listen and seek to understand our wife, we must humble ourselves before our wife and take ownership of our faults and failures. We must mend the bridge we broke when we chose not to listen with humility and selflessness. We must go back to our wife and seek to rebuild the relationship we broke by not striving to understand her. We then learn from our faults and failures and try harder the next time we are put in a position where our wife needs us just to shut up and listen. 

Marriage is an establishment designed by God. God created male and female. He made them just the way they were meant to be. Men are naturally bent to be determined, aggressive, confrontational, and headstrong. These qualities were needed for survival at the beginning of time, and at times, these characteristics are still needed. However, they are not necessary in our relationship with our wife. Men, we can be these things in our careers, an emergency, or in a state of survival, but when it comes to the relationship with our wife, let’s take a step back, humble ourselves, learn to shut up, listen, and live with our wife in an understanding way.