The doorbell rang the other day, and two young men stood before me. I say young men because neither of them had to be above 25 years of age. They were salesmen trying to get me to buy into what they were selling. As we talked, one of my daughters approached me to see who I was talking to. One of the young men asked if she was mine, and I smiled, “Absolutely! She is one of three daughters I have.” The young man told me his daughter had just turned one year old and asked me for advice. This was not an easy question to answer in our short time together, so I looked at him and said, “Our daughters need their daddy. Be present.”
This got me thinking about fatherhood and what it means to be a father. I wrote a list of what I found to be valuable attributes of being a father. These are in no particular order, but the following is a list of fatherly attributes that fathers need to adhere to.
Love at all times
A father’s love is one of the most powerful gifts we can give our children. Love is not words we say at the end of the day when we put our children to bed. Love is an action, and more importantly, it is self-sacrificing. When we don’t want to sit in the rain and watch their soccer game, we do it anyway. When a project is due for work, and our son or daughter asks us to play, put down the laptop and play. Love is engaging, not passive. It says, “You are important, valuable, and mean the world to me, and I will do everything in my power to never let you forget that.” So with that, love at all times.
Be present
Being present doesn’t just mean showing up. It means you are engaged in whatever your children are doing. Today’s society has this egregious habit of shoving their face in their phone. I have noticed that fathers are the worst at doing this. It’s like their phone is a third appendage that needs constant attention. I used to be that way. I was immersed in social media and stupid videos, and if it wasn’t that, I was dealing with work. I had to make a conscious effort to change my habits and behaviors. I got rid of social media from my phone and placed limits on work. When I first started this change, it was hard. However, over time, I found that I was having a more engaging time with my children, and I have grown to hold on to those moments. Be present. Engage with your children. Put the phone and distractions away and be there for your kids.
Be vulnerable
This one is uncomfortable for most men. However, it is one of the most important things you can do for your children. Being vulnerable goes hand in hand with being humble. As a father, you will screw up. You will make mistakes. You won’t always get it right. However, what’s most important is when fathers can take ownership of their mistakes and failures and seek to rebuild relationships with their children. There have been times when I have come down too hard or was over the top with my reaction toward my children. During those times, I have to humble myself in front of my children, admit my faults, and ask for forgiveness. If I didn’t address my failure as a father in those moments, I would have slowly started to sever the relationship with my children, and that’s one relationship I never want to lose. Bottom line, when you make mistakes toward your children or in front of your children, humble yourself, be vulnerable, and seek to build strong, positive relationships with your children.
Listen
This goes with being present. Our children want our attention. They want to know they have our attention and are important in our eyes. To do this, we must listen to our children no matter how unimportant the information they want to share. Listening shows our children we care about them and what they have to tell us. This will lead to strong relationships later in life. If we haven’t shown our students that they matter to us and that we want to hear what they have to tell us, then when our children become teenagers, we will never be in the loop of what’s going on in their life. Listen attentively and show your children that they are essential.
Be the example
Fatherhood is a position that comes with tremendous responsibility. One of our most important responsibilities is to be an example of love, respect, honor, integrity, and discipline. Our children look to us to show them how to live life rightly. Be the person you want your children to become. Show them what it looks like to treat their mother well by treating your wife well. Show them what love looks like by sacrificing your wants for their needs. Show them what respect looks like by how you interact and react with others. Our children are always watching us. They want to see how we act, respond, work, etc. We need to be an example for our children. Think about your actions and words before you make them and speak them.
Be slow to speak and slow to get angry
Your children will inevitably anger you. Before you respond, take a breath and pause. Be angry, but don’t allow your anger to control you or your actions. When we allow our anger to dictate our actions and words, we damage our children emotionally and mentally. Will you mess up? Absolutely, but that is when you become vulnerable. Admit the error of your ways and use it as a teachable moment with your children about what not to do and why it wasn’t okay to allow your anger to control you. Anger is a part of who we are, but it is our choice to allow anger to control us. We must be better men, better husbands, and better fathers. We need to step back, breathe, and speak in love.
Date your daughters
This sounds weird, but in reality, it is the father’s responsibility to help their daughters set the expectations for the boys that come into their lives. Show your daughter(s) how a real man should treat them. Take them out, open the door for them, talk with them at dinner, and truly engage with them. Listen to their joys and their struggles. Don’t use it as a time to correct their behavior or change what you don’t like. Use it as a time to get to know your daughter. Ask them questions without having to solve their problems. Be attentive to what they are telling you. My favorite thing to ask my daughters is how I could be a better father. What would they like to see me change about myself? Ultimately, I want my daughters to know that I care about them, love them, and value their input and ideas. With that, I want them to never settle for a boy who doesn’t appreciate them or their opinions. I want to be the example they look to for a future partner in life. I am their example of what a real man should be, so I must be that man.
Teach your son(s)
Spend time with your sons one-on-one. Teach and show them what a real man is and how they should act. Teach them the importance of respect, honor, integrity, and discipline. Here’s the clincher: you must be that man. Do not give your son lip service. Teach your son through your actions. Be a man of respect, honor, integrity, and discipline. Teach your son the value of hard work and taking ownership of their choices. Teach them to love their mother and to treat her with respect. My father told me when I was young that how I treated my mother would be how I would treat my wife. I wish I would have listened to him then. I was rude and disrespectful to my mother growing up. That is exactly how I treated my wife during my first few years of marriage. When I finally realized what I was doing, I worked hard to change my actions and behaviors toward my wife. Bottom line, we are their example of what a real man should be, so we need to be that man.
Be patient
This is challenging for most men. Patience is essential to building strong, positive relationships with your children. I struggle with patience, and I have seen the effect of what being impatient can do to my children. I am in a constant battle with myself over my inability to be patient. I know how important it is to build up strong, capable, and patient children. They deserve my patience. As men, we must keep ourselves in check and practice patience with our children. The relationship with our children should be a top priority, and being impatient can hinder that relationship.
Be a father, not a friend
A father’s job is to guide their children to do what is right. Speak truth into your children’s lives, no matter how hard that truth is to hear. Discipline your children with consequences that match the crime. Hold to those consequences and don’t waiver because you don’t like seeing your children suffering. You need to remember, their own choices brought on their suffering. This is where being a father is hard. We need to allow our children to suffer because of poor decisions. This is where they learn to become better. Ensure you are not being overly aggressive or harsh in your consequences. We must remember, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children. Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Also, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21).
Surround yourself with real men
As a father, you need to set an example for your children. If you don’t have one for yourself, you won’t be able to set one for your children. Surround yourself with real men who are good role models. It’s time to drop the loser friends and surround yourself with men of good repute. To be a good father, we need other men who will encourage, strengthen, and support us in our fatherhood. We need men in our lives who are good examples of what being a father looks like. If all you and your friends want to do is sit around, drink beer, and play games, you are already a loser dad. However, if you and your friends want to be outdoors, go on hikes, go hunting, etc., then bring your children and speak into their lives. Surround yourself with men who want to be good fathers and know what it takes to be a good father. If you don’t have men like that around you, seek them out. Hint: A bar is not a good place to find these men. Read books. Educate yourself on what a good father looks like and how they should act.
Book Recommendations:
Raising Men by Eric Davis
Being A Dad Who Leads by John MacArthur
The Intentional Father by Jon Tyson
You Have What It Takes by John Eldredge
Be The Dad She Needs You To Be by Dr. Kevin Leman
Men, it’s time to stand up and be engaged and intentional fathers to our children. It’s time we intentionally build relationships with our children and lead by example. It’s time to give up selfishness and selfish ambitions. It’s time to be engaged, present, authentic, and humble. Let’s give our children a great example of how real men should live life.
Selfless Leadership Is Purposeful Leadership 